To Death: Fear becomes ecstasy

At Xilai, I go through my list of attachments
things I’m holding onto still
Being important, financial security, intimacy with my lover,
Yet at the end, the most important thing is to know what the most important thing is, he said
It’s all to see myself
I feel it to new depths now, 
Yes that and that and THAT TOO!

Death is illusory
What am I afraid of then?
The end. No more. Finality. 
Not true. Don’t think it, what does it feel like?
Heart runs away. Scared. 
It would have to feel….
Collapse, disintegration 
Surrender, acceptance, welcoming, embrace...
Now that I’m in it, I can’t remember what I was
not wanting in the first place,
Fear becomes ecstasy.

If I’m not afraid that I’ll die, then what could it be?
It’s fun! The tension between living and dying, black and white, whatever we name It, in Its million forms,
I LIKE IT!
You mean I’m choosing this?!
Orgasmic torture tension pain!
I actually like the resistance, the push back, 
There’s pleasure in the tension!

What would happen if I actually allowed myself to be free?
I wouldn’t know what to do, I wouldn’t know, I wouldn’t know anything,
there’d be nothing left, nobody there, nothing

Feeling free — letting it in - 
Violent rage inside! Wild animal! High energy! 
Alert! Alert! Alert!

*April 2019, Xilai Chan Temple, after Mudeng asked us to write down what we wanted to bury and let go of