Xilai, Xilai, Xilai

Xilai Xilai Xilai
When they ask me about what happened in xilai
I will share with them a flower, a cup of tea, a meal,

When they ask me what happened in xilai
I will tell them everything and nothing
That I haven’t become more of anything
Only less of everything I thought I was
A spiritual seeker, a conscious business leader, a coach, a facilitator,
A woman even, 
All the things that stand in the way of loving
The untrue namings we give ourselves and others.
I will tell them xilai is a place for freedom
A place to strip yourself naked and discard all your roles
Everything you need to become, and do, and fix, and change
Until you see what’s left
A place to say behold! I am here!
I am here I am here I am finally here!

When they ask me about Xilai
I will tell them it is a place that lights the fire within
Burning away everything that is not you
It is a place to do your greatest battles
of disintegration and falling apart
of not knowing,
of emptying of all right and wrong, 
all the places inside that are stuck, stifling, killing you,
of seeing, of seeing, of seeing yourself!
and even more subtler now….again and again and yes, THAT TOO!
without doing, fixing, or changing it. Don’t recreate the loop!
of moving and not moving,
of fighting against doing nothing and then fighting against doing something,
of loving and hating,
of begging and giving,
of peace and war,
of pleasure and pain,
of realizing that they are All the Same thing.
Of heartbreaking generosity 
Where you realize you’ve been deeply loved and given to your whole life
That you’ve never owned and thus never given anything,
That even your receiving is non personal
Constriction only exists in the naming of the “You” that is giving to the “Me”

When they ask me about xilai
I will look them in the eyes and see Beauty
I will ask them to allow the tea to drink them, the room to see them, the flower to smell them,
I will tell them about the secret of life that is in the everything,
there’s no need to get-away for the rest, the beauty, the intimacy, 
it’s right here right now available in every breathe, walk, sit, drink, eat, sleep, and playing of music.
That in Chinese, to breathe is ‘Hu Xi 呼吸’
And that it starts with Hu 呼 - the outbreath, emptying - the only place where there is effort,
and that Xi 吸 - the inbreath, the receiving - happens naturally after;

When they ask me about Xilai
I will tell them it’s the place you’ve been running away from and towards your whole life
It’s a place that speeds up your own homecoming 
A place where all your needs are ready to be fulfilled 
Until you realize there’s nothing left to hold onto
That your nature is love, and that love’s nature is to flow, 
And there’s nothing to do except not constrict the flow which naturally creates and makes love with all things,

Truth be told, Xilai is everywhere and nowhere
A place inside you
A place of beauty so deep
You’d have to crack open a million times to let it in
Love pressed up against you from all sides
Begging to be let in
To be let out
Until you can’t tell the difference anymore
And this illusory skin keeping us apart is finally discarded

*April 2019, Xilai Chan Temple, Chengdu China