To all the inner caretakers

What happens when I’m no longer buying into your narrative for me
When your vision is no longer my guidepost

You my closest lover, my most beloved,
whom I so dearly want to forget myself with.
The greatest thing I could do
Is to live for myself
Not for you
No, not for you,
Or your flickering idea of me
An unseen whisper to take care of me;
No, I am my one and only True Caretaker
Will of my dreams
Hull of my living

I forgot myself in wanting your Love
And only in my outstretched hand
Reaching for yours
Did I see myself

I’m the Only One
The only one that has ever abandoned and betrayed myself,
The only one that truly knows what’s best for me,
The only one living MY life from the inside out,
with the most Urgency, worry, care, love, thirst, blood, joy,
Aliveness!
Only me

I love you I love you I love you
And I free you from my call to be responsible for me
I am here
All eyes on every patch of skin looking at me
At me at me at me the original One

Trying to manage your life, take care of you, change you, fix you, help you be better,
I was only stealing your loss and confusion
Helping you find purpose, YOUR purpose, only you could do that
My helping was only robbing you of your clarity, the very thing which you were seeking,
It was only telling you that You didn’t know or own your life from the inside,
when it was really me that didn’t know or own my life from the inside;
To take away your hanging, your suspense
To stop the panic of your fall
To stop the panic of my fall
To rob you of your experience
To allow others to rob me of my experience
To tell you You did not know better for yourself
To tell others You know better for me than myself

Now I see that
People who manage other’s lives and try to help or fix them
Are still in a belief that their life is not their own and that their life is run managed and fixed by others
Even turning to a teacher for help and You for approval is just me not owning that I know what’s best for me
Which is me not owning that You know what’s best for you

I’m so sorry
Yet there is nothing I could do or tell you that could take away from You

So, is any of it even true?
Perhaps we have not moved from here this whole time

*Feb 2019, post retreat with Joe Hudson